Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in Mallory Alis' LiveJournal:

Sunday, May 17th, 2009
10:18 pm	The Hardest Part The hardest part about being a Bitch is that Sor hates me. She tells me this, tells me she hates me, loudly and emphatically. Multiple times. She dissolves into a toddlers tantrum, screeching "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" trying to get it through my thick skull that I am, in fact, reviled. This happens because I do my job. Nails on skin, teeth on tongue, or wrist, a sidelong glance at a sharp object, and I am there, hands holding hers, keeping her from that particular form of relief. I keep her from being hurt. She hates me for it. Sometimes she remembers, and apologizes later, when she's feeling better. Sometimes she does not. Regardless, in this aspect... ...I am okay with being hated. ~M.Alis~ (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 27th, 2008
7:32 pm	Happy Thanksgiving This year I am thankful for the fact that Sor still refuses to hurt herself, that I've got half the male population of Snowtown drooling over me, and that Gabe made us all a pie. A really really good pie. Happy Turkey Day, kiddos. Also, *hugs* to AKS, since I suspect he ought to be reading this by now. M.Alis (Comment on this)
Monday, November 3rd, 2008
5:24 pm	Whassup, bitches! Jesus christ, has it seriously been nine and a half months since I last posted? ...Heh. Considering what caused me to last post, has it seriously been nine and a half months? Man, this is a glorious year. Even if That Bastard keeps locking my charge out, she's rapidly approaching the point where she Just Doesn't Care Anymore. Some properly done hypothetical conversation, and damn if the world just doesn't look so beautiful. (At least partially because it is. I like this glory, this place.) IN other news, I have become quite the news in Snowtown. Not at all a prostitute, just incredibly hot, and incredibly, incredibly, sexy. Is anyone surprised? No, thanks. Though for the record, I do not go out with a different boy every night --I've only got about five I'm rotating through, and I'm not exclusive with any of them. Who knows, before long, I might have saved up enough money from them buying me such lovely things that I'll be able to move out to a place of my own. Wouldn't that be luhvly! (Of course, Sor has as good as told me that I will always have a home with her. It's just the way the fictional self blends away from the real self. And the real self will probably stay with her for a good time longer still --I've no pretenses of my own morality. Eventually Kat will be strong enough and healed enough and sane enough that she won't need me around to watch out for her, and at that point, I will flicker into darkness, and die. It is not a bad thing, it is merely a thing. Still though, I wonder what happens to us when we die. We, the nonfictional, we, the nonexistent. Those who were never alive in the first place, do we die? And if we do, do we get another chance, another turn on the wheel? Another house, this time in Heaven? Sheesus, heavy stuff tonight. Ah well, I've always been the type to get a bit melancholic when left to my own devices for too long.) Soyes. Snowtown goes well. Kat is doing...alright, I suppose. I am fine, and perhaps stronger than Hyde? Who can really tell. M.Alis MOOP! (Edited to fix from Gabe's colour to my own. Fail, Al.) (Comment on this)
Monday, January 28th, 2008
12:46 pm	I've won! *throws her head back and laughs* Sorcy my love, you've joined me on the sensible side of the world. Learn to enjoy yourself, it'll serve you well in the future. 2008 is going to be a beautiful year. ~M.Alis~ MOOP! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 24th, 2008
10:47 pm	Booyah! I am the fucking MAN! *laughs* Are you? I don't think you've the bits. Oh come on, Kat! You cannot deny that that was totally badass. Admit it! Yes, yes, it was totally badass. You're very awe...you're very incredible. *snrks!* Hee, and you're even making...hey! Hey, no emo. *waggles a finger at Sor* You're too good to be emo, 'member? You are a perfectly rational young adult, who people keep thinking is much older than she actually is. If you want people to keep thinking you're older then you are, you have to act it, remember? Is that how it works? I've always been a bit unclear. Of course it's how it works! Fuck man, you remember our new years resolution for you, doncha? ...No, actually Alis I don't. Care to elaborate? ...Hey Gabe? Yes dear? Were we not supposed to tell Kat of our resolution for her? *shrugs* Eh. I don't think we ever discussed whether or not to tell her, we just sortof decided that it would be a good idea, and then went with it. Feel free to explain to our charge what we have in mind. Okay! Anyways, Sor, Gabe and I were drinking and talking a few days after New Years, when you were otherwise occupied with your clone. And we were discussing interesting things that you had done lately, and that should've come to our attention. And a particular conversation you had with...how public is this? Public enough. Continue. Right, anyways, we came up with the basis of a resolution, which has only solidified itself over the last few days, with the help of Spence and Magus. Basically, we think you ought to trust people. Oh fuck me. C'mon, Al, you really think that's going to work? Well, it's really a bit more complicated than Alis makes it out to be. We want you to, by the end of the year, be able to function in proper society, like a reasonable adult. We especially want you to be able to handle the relationships you have with people currently (yes, even the difficult ones) and perhaps add on new relationships, or new dimensions to existing relationships. We especially want you to be able to keep a cool head and respond in a mature and truthful fashion when you're discussing your relationships with the people they concern, or with others (should you need outside advice). We're not saying that you shouldn't get emotional, we just think that you should learn how to have conversations and make important decisions without letting the emotions get into the way. ...I...uhm...Thanks? Not a problem! What's more, this means that we're (as the year progresses) crack down more and more on your use of avoidence tactics to escape from unplesent conversations. Assuming that those conversations clearly need to occur, of course. We will not force you into anything that does not need to be done. Anyways, yep. I'm totally bitchin'. Considering your job title, oh guardian bitch of mine, I would certainly hope so! I'm going to go chat with people over there some *points to the left* Ta! Bye Sor! Anyways, she was being all emo and depressed and shit, and was kinda playing with one of her mentalkinves, and I just sorta grabbed her wrist and was all "nu-UH" and she was all "Wow, I am being incredibly stupidly emo, aren't I?" and then I helped her to her feet, and she had meta'd properly, and was able to have her conversation from a rational standpoint as opposed to a tears and anger standpoint. I rock so hard. ~M.Alis~ MOOP! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 18th, 2008
1:21 am	It's interesting, not being able to die. That's not entierly true, I'm sure. I'm sure it's possible for me to die, and I certainly vanish on occassion, to a sort of nowhere land where I just Don't. Exist. But, in the short run, when it comes down to just being hit and beat and cut and hurt, I can't die. Which is why I staggered out of the lounge the other day with my throat slit. Katarina was not having what we call a 'Good Day'. ************* See, she had a panic attack. And shit went down. The disadvantage to her being able to hurt herself in the mental rather than the physical means that she can do quite a bit more damage to herself. And in the theroes of a panic attack, she begins to lose all sense of scale. Which means she was managing to spill quite a lot of blood before I could get in and grab her arms. A panic attack is a bad thing. She can't control them, she can't force herself out of them, and Gabriel and I can't force her out of them. They have to run their course before she's done, she can't just pretend it's all fine. And, unlike normal tears-melencholy-emo-whatever, it's impossible to slap her around in order to keep her functioning like a normal person. So when I grabbed her arms, to keep her from hurting herself, she snapped. And took the silly little knife she was clutching and slit my throat. During a panic attack, she is at full mental power, and almost no impulse control. What else could I do, I turned and ran up to my room. As soon as I realized it was not a fatal wound, I crept to the balcony, to make sure she was going to be safe. Gabriel had her by then, not trying to do anything to her, just hold her and let her cry. There is a boy who does not read this journal that I owe quite a lot of thanks to, for pulling her out of the last bits of the attack. If I remember for long enough, I shall have to buy him a rose. ************* Katarina is fine now. My neck is healed, though I left the scar, just to remember by. I need to ask Gabriel how he became so strong, to be able to fight Her and fight Kat. Because the next time the thoghtstream sucks her in like that? I intend to be ready. M.Alis (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 13th, 2007
10:37 pm	Some days, I am stronger then I fucking thought. So she doesn't slice her wrists in the real world. Fine, that's what I want. But if a girl so strongly based in the mental, slices the wrists of her mentalself open, there's no physical evidence for anyone else to see. But she made a mistake. She told us. She admitted, to us, a fault and secret. And honey? You are *not* getting this knife back any fucking time soon. Stupid bitch. M.Alis (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 2nd, 2007
9:22 pm	I'm having one of those days. I have them ocassionally. Days where I'm pushed too far back in the mind to be able to care, but still (always!) present enough to keep her from hurting herself. And she ALWAYS wants to hurt herself. I'm not sure just how often it is that I steer her thoughts away from scratches down her arms and bite marks on her tongue. Or worse, from the darker thoughts, the ones I know she won't do...but still. *shivers* Scissors are for cutting paper, and paper cutters are not guillotines. But what can I do when she's hurt mentally? Hurt inside, too badly for me or Gabriel to heal. Not that we've ever been much help --she cries and what can we do? Hold her and tell her 'it'll all be better soon.' She doesn't use that lie and neither do we. And she is so HURT! Dear gods, she hurts. She is trying so hard, too hard to be perfect, to be everything to everyone. And she's falling on her face. Badly. She crawls away from every encounter with everyone she cares about with a twisted sense of inadequecy -she wasn't perfect enough for them, and she never will be. She completely doesn't understand how or why other people could possibly like her. She honestly does not get it, no matter what they say, because she simply won't understand the concept of "good enough" or the idea that you don't always have to be what others want, when they want it. I'm watching my charge die. From the inside out. And gods, I'm scared for her. She's trying too hard to please everyone else, that she forgets that she needs time for herself. She NEEDS time for herself. She needs it so, so badly. And she realizes it, but she refuses to take the time out, because she's so scared of hurting people. Fuck man. I just don't know what to do with her. And worse, I'm not sure there's anything I CAN do with her. My deal with her was that I keep her from acting out the hundred desires or more she has every day to translate mental anguish into physical pain. That's it --I'm nothing else. ...There is nothing left for me to say. Yours M.Alis Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
7:24 pm	No shit, there we were.... And now, here we are. It's kinda weird, y'know? I've gone through so much shit with these boys, and we're just at such a strange point in our lives. Gabe'll talk to me, be polite to me, get along fine, but he's grown stronger then me -a lot stronger- and he knows it. And more importantly, he knows that I know. He would never hurt me. Ever. But he treats me like I'm fragile sometimes, and I hate that. And he treats me like a whore sometimes, and I hate that. I'd hate it less if it wasn't true. Not the fragality --I'm not a fragile person. I'm like Kat --we'll be fucked in the ass before we show weakness. But I have been, in the past, a whore. And I will be again, in the future, a whore. I find myself under the stairs a lot these days. There's a Gravitational Dart Ninjas set under there --no, don't ask me how you can be under a spiral staircase either. It's just the way the mindscapes shaped. It's rhythmic, the thump and the thump and the thump. I like it. Gods, do I like it. It's a way of removing myself. And I need that more and more. Sorcy's growing up, she's gonna need me less. More importantly, Sor is consistently happy, she's gonna need me less. And I don't like feeling useless. I haven't a lot to say. Just babblings, mostly. ... Jesus, listen to me! I sound like an emo kid!! Should I get the razor and start making sloppy cuts across my arms for the attention now? Fuck, that shit. C'mon Al, you're a big strong girl. You don't feel sad, and you don't feel regret. Of course I don't. M.Alis Current Music: *, M83 (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 25th, 2006
12:14 am	... *smiles!* And yay for that. Maybe it's possible for me to go back and refind who I'm supposed to be. Not that there is anyone who I'm SUPPOSED to be. Thats not how it works. But I'm fairly sure I shouldn't be a slut. .Al Current Mood: Accomplished! Current Music: The usual silence (Comment on this)